Investors, Parenting & Why you should be qualifying investors with jokes

We qualify hard. And you should too. Here's why, and how.

If you've worked with me, you know I love a good joke.

In fact, I require every person who wants to work with us to open our call with their best joke.

Is it because I'm a funny guy?

I don't consider myself funny at all.

Is it because I'm not a serious businessperson?

Absolutely not. In fact, I'm a pretty straight shooter. I don't want to waste anyone's time (including mine!).

SO WHY AM I MAKING PEOPLE TELL ME JOKES?

If you're reading this because you found me/us somewhere and are considering working together, I'm about to let you in on a little secret. I'm going to give you a little "Aha!!" moment, that's probably going to change your perspective.

LET'S BACK UP REAL FAST.

Between family and business, my time is in short supply.

I'm a pretty busy guy. I've got a wonderful wife and two amazing kids that I love spending time with. I also love growing my business.

For the next couple of years, I'm on a weird schedule because I'm a dad and I will never sacrifice excellence in that role for the sake of a dollar or a million. I've done M&A for 7 years, where the old adage is, "Though the stockbrokers get home at 9 pm and up at 4 am, the M&A guys are still sitting in the company cafeteria at 4 am waiting for the deal to close"... but running multiple businesses + a fund at the same time is something else.

So it means I need to focus and be as effective & efficient as I possibly can be.

And what does that mean?

I'll tell you what it doesn't mean:

It doesn't mean: more employees to do my work.

It doesn't mean: try to take work calls while taking care of our kids.

It doesn't mean: stay up late. Studies have shown that the top performers actually get more sleep than everyone else, and because they're well-rested they're ready to hit it harder in a limited space of time.

WHAT IT DOES MEAN: GET CLEVER.

So I'm an efficiency freak. Which means I'm an automation nerd.

And why not? If it's going to free up my time, make my business run more smoothly, and deliver our people (both our team, and our clients) the same or better experience than what we delivered yesterday, then all it comes down to is numbers.

Time & money. What's spent, and what's saved.

So, let's get back to our original question:

Why am I making people tell me jokes? Seems like a waste of time, right?

Not really.

We have hundreds of people chasing us a day wanting to work with us to improve their chances of successfully raising capital. One company alone - @UnicornCapital - receives over a hundred project requests per week. This is from this morning off of just one of our platforms...

We also have clients, to whom we promise to deliver excellence. And we DELIVER.

As a human being, I can only manage so much.

SO, HOW DO I DO IT?!

It's about SYSTEMS.

We've put in place a CFS - a Client Filtering System, and I'm about to lift the skirt a little bit here...

1.   When you reach out to us, if it's boilerplate copy-paste or an automated message, expect us to put in the same amount of effort as you have. Expect Us To Reciprocate.

2.   If you have not taken the time to make your first impression with us clear and concise, and rather deliver a long rambling narrative, then it will be instantly clear that you have opted not to make our lives easy, but hard instead. Expect us to put in the same amount of effort as you have. Expect Us To Reciprocate.

3.   When you've booked a meeting with us, you'll receive a booking confirmation along with a ***short video***. This video gives you the basics, of pretty much everything you need to know about me, how I talk, about us, about the firm, the process, examples of our work, and gives you an idea of what to expect when we speak. This video is sent by a system - don't get me wrong, I love that you're interested to speak but I just don't have the time to send a hundred videos out all day.

4.   And at the end of that video (and NOWHERE ELSE - not in the email, not in a message - NOWHERE else.), you're asked to come prepared to our meeting with a joke, to "get clever".

Our video emails are literally as clickbaity as possible - click any link on the email and you'll see the video.

Now, bear in mind, this is your first impression of me. First impressions count. Now, here's something I've learned that I've come to find as extremely valuable, in business and in life:

Past performance is not an indication of future results, however...

PAST HUMAN BEHAVIOR IS AN EXTREMELY ACCURATE INDICATOR OF FUTURE HUMAN BEHAVIOR.

And what does this mean for me?

This means that if you have successfully booked a meeting together (which we LOVE), you have either:

OPTION A. NOT SEEN THE EMAIL COME IN BECAUSE YOU'RE TOO BUSY.

That's OK, lots of people are too busy, but we don't work with people who are too busy with their own cap. raise.

Why?

We're busy, surely we should work with other busy people, right? You're 100% right, and we do. The people we work with are top performers... that's why our people's pitches have gone in front of SoftBank multiple times (seniormost leadership, including Masa Son), and literally, as I write this [article/post/rant], one of our docs is being presented to the Zillow executive team. And another client is pitching LVMH Corporate. Kevin Hart is considering another client's pitch. [Update: Kevin Hart invested]

Even the busiest people on the planet make time for the things that are important to them.

But everyone knows the difference between "TOO BUSY," and just "busy."

Busy is the friend who hasn't heard from you in 2 years, but drops everything, drives 4 hours, and stays up arguing all night with the hospital to keep you on life support after a nearly fatal accident.

TOO BUSY is the friend who sends your call to voicemail when you have a car on top of you, and they were the only person's number you could manage to press on your speed dial to say "please, help me".

And if you're too busy to pick up, you're not my friend.

Those who indicate that they are TOO BUSY show a lack of true commitment to growth, and won't see success out of working together.

We have a limited amount of time, so in that limited time, we focus on those who are going to be successful - not the people who are TOO BUSY for their own cap. raise.

Because no matter what...

A successful cap raise requires commitment & dedication!

OPTION B. YOU SAW THE EMAIL COME IN, OPENED IT BUT DIDN'T CLICK ON THE VIDEO.

This path of action shows that you're maybe interested, but not that committed. Potentially with financial-problem-avoidance issues. Probably trying to shop around, cast a wide net, shotgun-style approach, whatever you want to call it. These are the people who think they can send out a mass-email to 1,000 random VCs, and they’ll end successfully raising (hint: that doesn’t work). These are the people who say at the end of their calls, "I have a couple of other people I'm speaking with, I just don't want to cancel them, so once I speak with them I'll get back to you..." Before you hear my answer to that line, first... it is...

STORYTIME! (TRUE STORY)

A long, long time ago, someone very close to me was in desperate need of a job. Let's call him Luke. (dead serious, I will give you a discount if you are able to meaningfully work in the magic words "Thermal Exhaust Port" into your first conversation with me - and consider it my gift to you because the only other people who get discounts are Active Duty Military, Veterans & First Responders and spouses thereof. It's a question of respect)

Luke was flat broke, almost out on the street, and was on his last leg... when out of the blue he managed to get himself a shot to interview with the CHAIRMAN of an extremely-high-AUM European family office.

(Sidebar: We later learned that this Chairman is the sort of guy who wears massive watches, rolls around secretly in the back of what appears to be a blacked-out Audi A8, but what is really a fully-loaded sleeper A8L limousine with full-custom fittings so he can lie flat sleeping while his driver drives 900 miles through the night to Germany. He drives, not flies so that the people who are standing at Nice Airport taking pictures don't see his private plane leave... so that those people's employers in London or Moscow - his competitors - don't catch wind of the massive deal he's doing next week.)

Anyway, Luke goes to the interview at a cafe in Monaco, Monday morning @ Cafe de Paris. It went well. "I'm committed to this role," Luke says to the Chairman.

-"I might have something you can do," says the Chairman. "I'll send you an email, and we'll be in touch" Very vague. Very non-specific. Very non-committal.

They shake hands, Luke leaves feeling good but not great, seriously hoping this will turn out OK & it isn't just a blow-off.

Not even 10 minutes later, Luke gets an email from the Chairman.

Subject: Hey can you take a look at this?

...And a file attached. Luke opens it up, and instantly sees it's a totally-convoluted contract between the family office & a supplier, along with some correspondence that was lawsuit-worthy (!!!)

Luke picks up the phone immediately & calls up the Chairman. "I've read through what you sent me, what's this about?"

Chairman, super casually: "Yeah just something I wanted to send across... can you do me a favor, would you be able to brief it for me? Not urgent or anything, you can send it to me later this week, no big deal. Gotta run, I'm in a meeting, talk to you later this week" (click)

So what does Luke do? Does he sit on the work, maybe do it later in the week?

No. He uses his brain, gets it together, does the work, and sends the Chairman an extremely thoughtful analysis ASAFP.

SO, DO YOU THINK HE GOT THE JOB?

The answer to this lies in preparation and doing homework.

To cut it short and get straight to the point - all of life is optional. Yes, this includes bills, relationships, mortgages, homelessness, and hard work.

THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN FIGURE OUT YOUR PRIORITIES IS YOU.

Yes, Luke got the job. The Chairman's words:

"LUKE, IT WAS A TEST. HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE WANT THIS JOB, BUT MORE THAN SOME MBA OR 30 YEARS OF EXPERIENCE, I WANT THE PERSON WHO WANTS IT THE MOST - AND WHO SHOWS ME THEIR MOTIVATION. INSTEAD OF HIRING THE HARVARD GRAD WHO THINKS THEY "DESERVE" TO BE ON TOP, I WOULD RATHER HIRE THE GUY WHO WORKED HIS A$$ OFF ON THE GRAVEYARD SHIFT AT A LIQUOR STORE TO PUT HIMSELF THROUGH UNDERGRAD. BECAUSE THAT'S THE PERSON WHO WILL GO THE EXTRA MILE WHEN THINGS GET TOUGH."

Luke got an instant nearly-seven-figure salary, starting immediately.

BECAUSE ACTIONS SPEAK FAR LOUDER THAN WORDS.

You should also know that the Chairman later told Luke, on several different occasions:

(Chairman's cell phone ringing, he presses the big red "NOPE" button) "You see this girl whose call I just ignored? She came to me saying 'oh I want a job, I am so motivated, you will see, I will prove myself...' I gave her the same test. She literally sat on it for over a week, and now she's calling me every week... I heard she is telling her friends that she will be working for me. I am not even going to block her. I just press ignore over and over again. Eventually, she'll get the point. I can't work with people who are too useless to understand what top performance looks like."

...

So I promised you an answer to the people who say: "I have a couple of other people I'm speaking with, I just don't want to cancel them, so once I speak with them I'll get back to you..."

My response is the following:

"I have limited time. My team has limited time. We're literally all putting in overtime, working this entire weekend (100% fact) and we have a 2-week waitlist (also a 100% fact [Update: these days it hovers between 3-5 weeks]) of other successful people who just really want to work with the best because they recognize that this is the single biggest transaction they're probably going to do up to this point in their life. And they won't get another chance in front of investors. We have to reserve our efforts for those who are a perfect fit, and who show their motivation. So when it's the right time for you, then you know where to find us."

Most people who hear that they're the same people who will then respond with how motivated they are. Again - see the story above.

We don't mention the test. We just know whether it's a pass/fail. Because we have defined what motivation looks like and pinpointed the actions that show us the truth.

Because the question is: "Are you the one who gets it done & shows that you want it?" Or the one who took the Chairman's words @ face value & who got their calls ignored from then on.

Those who come back & show us their motivation, get themselves on the list.

ACTIONS. NOT WORDS.

OPTION C. YOU SAW MY EMAIL COME, YOU CLICKED ON IT, YOU WATCHED IT TO THE END AND SHOWED UP WITH A JOKE.

You did your homework, and it looks like we could be a good fit.

Most people are good people (not complete degenerates like me) and actually don't know any good jokes off the top of their head... most of my clients actually tell me "Yeah I had to go look one up!"Even more commitment - you didn't just know to respond, you took action & googled a joke so you would have something funny to say.

The Point is...

YOU CAME PREPARED.

See, the reason why we vet our clients is that we have limited time. Limited time for growth, limited time for family, limited time to achieve our business goals.

And because of this limitation, we have to focus on the people we can help the most, who will be the most successful - because they don't just claim they're motivated, they show it. These are people who are like us - who have limited time, and who want to maximize their effectiveness.

And in coming with a great joke, it's your chance to show me you're a serious person too, that you're playing for keeps. That you're going to carry that commitment through to your process with investors (which, if you are committed to crushing it & being a freaking SEAL Team Six on your cap. raise, then we're probably a good fit)

It means that within two minutes of getting on the phone, I have everything I need to know about you as a prospective client.

Within two minutes, I know:

1.   Are you truly motivated to work together?

2.   Are you committed to investing in your own success?

3.   Will you be efficient?

4.   Are you down-to-earth?

5.   Will you be a pleasure to work with?

Because apart from our limited time, wanting to be great parents & successful business owners by helping others who are motivated to be successful, we also only work with people who respect others, who are a joy to hop on the phone with. (cause on my end, G*d knows I've worked with far too many who don't fit that description in my past career on the Dark Side in investment banking)

So what does it all mean? And coming back to the title, why should you be qualifying prospective investors by making them tell you their best joke?

Here's where I'm going to give you a tip.

This part is not going to be a shock to you: In your cap. raise, investors are sizing up your every move. They are qualifying you and your business so that their investment doesn't turn out to be a colossal waste of their hard-earned capital.

However, this part is where the magic happens.

Because guess what.

YOU SHOULD BE QUALIFYING YOUR INVESTORS TOO.

Let me start off by saying I don't mean "be a jerk" or "start throwing pompous questions around like 'how do we know you have the cash to invest in this deal'"...

What I'm telling you is that you need to have little tricks that help you know that the person on the other side of the table is SERIOUS about investing, and not screwing you around.

There's no magic bullet here - but there are tracking mechanisms, little tips and tricks. Simple methods you can build into your process that will help you gauge:

"How serious is this investor?

How motivated are they to invest? ...and

Are they the best fit for my business?"

If done right, they won't even know you've tested them - unless you're like me, and are happy to tell them when they've passed the test.

--

So you've just spent probably 20 minutes reading this.

Here's your challenge: Comment below, and tell me the one thing that jumps out to you (or the one thing that you learned), based on what you just read, and then share this article.

And when you do that...

YOU CAN EXPECT US TO RECIPROCATE.

For investing in yourself, when we speak if I don't have a hard stop I will give you 20 minutes instead of just 10. That means that as long as I don't have another client commitment or family duties, I will now invest my time for you because you've invested in yourself and in our relationship.

And if you're someone who wants to work with me, or I've sent you this article, and you've made it this far? I'm looking forward to seeing action which demonstrates your commitment to working together - and you can expect the same level of commitment from our end.